Postpartum depression doesn't always look the way we expect it to. This photo looks like happiness. In reality, it was taken during a time when I was struggling more than anyone realised.
For me, it didn't begin with constant tears or deep sadness.
It began quietly, disguised as coping.
My family thought I was doing well. I thought I was doing well. But looking back, there were three clear signs I ignored. Signs I now recognise as postpartum depression.
I'm sharing them because I know how isolating this experience can feel, and because so many women don't realise they're struggling until they reach breaking point.
I Was Frantically Cleaning, All the Time
I couldn't sit still.
If the baby was asleep, I was cleaning. If the house was already clean, I would clean it again. I would constantly vacuum, mop, dust. Looking back, what was I even thinking?
From the outside, it probably looked like I was coping well. Baby was fed and clean, I seemed happy and smiling, the house was tidy, and dinner would be cooked by the time my husband came home from work. But on the inside, I was falling apart.
What I didn't know then was that constant busyness can be a symptom of postpartum depression. Staying busy became my way of avoiding how overwhelmed I really felt.
I Had Dark Thoughts That Scared Me
I started having dark, intrusive thoughts that didn't feel like "me" at all.
They came out of nowhere and filled me with fear and shame. I didn't want them, and I didn't understand why they were happening. Because I was so ashamed, I kept them to myself and didn't tell anyone.
What I wish I had known sooner is that these thoughts are a common symptom of postpartum depression. Having them didn't mean I was going to act on them, and it didn't mean I wasn't a good enough mum.
But at the time, the thoughts themselves were truly frightening.
I Would Get So Angry
Small things felt huge. I would snap and feel a rush of anger over the smallest things, and then immediately feel guilty for reacting that way.
For many women, depression doesn't present as sadness. It presents as irritability, frustration and rage followed by guilt.
The Moment Everything Cracked
For three months, I kept going.
Then one day, I completely broke down. I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying.
That was the moment my husband realised I wasn't coping. He immediately called his mum, and together they saw what I couldn't say out loud. I was not okay.
How I Got Help (And How You Can Too)
Talking honestly with my husband, opening up to my midwife and Plunket nurse, and learning that postpartum depression doesn't look the same for every woman gave me such a sense of relief.
It wasn't an instant fix, and it took time. But talking about it was the beginning of my healing journey, and the beginning of finally enjoying my baby and being the mum I wanted to be for my little girl.
Understanding Postpartum Depression
Postpartum depression can include symptoms like irritability, exhaustion, difficulty sleeping, and trouble enjoying things you once loved. Not just sadness. Trusted organisations like the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand and Plunket provide symptom checklists and advice on when to seek help. Health New Zealand notes that ongoing feelings of anxiety, inability to cope, and anger can be signs of postnatal depression.
It is a medical condition, not a personal failing.
If You're Reading This and Nodding Along
Please hear this:
You are not broken.
You are not weak.
You are not a bad mother.
Postpartum depression is an illness, not a personal failure.
Support is available, and you deserve it just as much as your baby does. And if you're not ready to talk yet, that's okay too. Just know that you are not alone, and when you are ready, help will be there 💗
Postpartum Depression Support in New Zealand
If you’re in New Zealand and need support, these services are available:
-
Maternal Mental Health Services
Accessed via your GP or midwife — free specialist mental health support during pregnancy and after birth. -
1737 – Need to Talk?
Call or text 1737 (24/7, free)
https://1737.org.nz -
Depression.org.nz
Education, self-help tools, and support for depression and anxiety
https://depression.org.nz -
Plunket Line
Phone 0800 933 922 (24/7)
https://www.plunket.org.nz
If you’re ever in immediate danger, please contact emergency services or your local crisis team right away.
🧠 Sources for Postpartum Depression Symptoms & Information
1. Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand - Postnatal Depression
An overview of postnatal depression, how common it is, and why early help matters.
🔗 https://mentalhealth.org.nz/conditions/condition/postnatal-depression Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand
2. Plunket (NZ) - Postnatal Depression Signs & Support
Explains warning signs of postnatal depression & why it’s important to reach out.
🔗 https://www.plunket.org.nz/being-a-parent/looking-after-you/parent-mental-health/postnatal-depression/ Plunket New Zealand
3. Health New Zealand (Te Whatu Ora) - Postnatal Depression
NZ health info on postnatal depression symptoms and when it may need support.
🔗 https://info.health.nz/health-topics/pregnancy-maternity/postnatal-depression Health New Zealand | Te Whatu Ora
4. Mayoclinic - Postpartum Depression Symptoms
A medically reviewed overview of common signs and symptoms of postpartum depression (global health resource).
🔗 https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617 Mayo Clinic
5. NHS (UK) - Postnatal Depression Symptoms List
A clear symptom list from a trusted health system, useful for educating readers.
🔗 https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/symptoms/