Postpartum depression doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. This photo looks like happiness. In reality, it was taken during a time when I was struggling more than anyone realised
For me, it didn’t begin with constant tears or deep sadness.
It began quietly — disguised as coping.
My family thought I was doing well. I thought I was doing well. But looking back, there were three clear signs I ignored — signs I now recognise as postpartum depression.
I’m sharing them because I know how isolating this experience can feel, and because so many women don’t realise they’re struggling until they reach breaking point.
I Was Frantically Cleaning — All the Time
I couldn’t sit still.
If the baby was asleep, I was cleaning. If the house was already clean, I’d clean it again. I felt like if everything around me was in order, then maybe my mind would feel calmer too.
From the outside, it probably looked like I was coping well — productive, organised, capable. Inside, I was exhausted, anxious, and constantly on edge.
What I didn’t know then was that restlessness and compulsive busyness can be symptoms of postpartum anxiety and depression. Staying busy became my way of avoiding how overwhelmed I really felt.
I Had Dark Thoughts That Scared Me
I started having dark, intrusive thoughts that didn’t feel like “me” at all.
They came out of nowhere and filled me with fear and shame. I didn’t want them, and I didn’t understand why they were happening. Because of that shame, I kept them to myself.
What I wish I’d known sooner is that intrusive thoughts are a common symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety. Having these thoughts does not mean you want to act on them, and it does not make you a bad mother.
The thoughts themselves were frightening — but the silence around them was even worse.
I Had Sudden Bursts of Anger
I became easily overwhelmed and irritable.
Small things felt huge. I’d snap, feel a rush of anger, and then immediately feel guilty for reacting that way. I didn’t recognise myself anymore and assumed something was wrong with me.
Anger isn’t talked about enough when it comes to postpartum depression. For many women, depression doesn’t present as sadness — it presents as irritability, frustration, emotional overload, and rage followed by guilt.
The Moment Everything Cracked
For three months, I kept going.
Then one day, I completely broke down. I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. It felt like everything I had been holding together finally collapsed.
That was the moment my husband realised I wasn’t coping — and, finally, the moment I admitted it to myself too.
How I Got Help (And How You Can Too)
Asking for help felt embarrassing at first. I truly believed that needing support meant I had failed at motherhood.
But it didn’t.
It meant I was human.
Talking honestly with my husband, seeing my GP, and learning that postpartum depression doesn’t look the same for every woman helped me begin to heal. Support didn’t fix everything overnight — but it gave me space to breathe again.
Understanding Postpartum Depression
According to experts, postpartum depression can include symptoms like irritability, exhaustion, difficulty sleeping, and trouble enjoying things you once loved — not just sadness. Trusted health organisations like the Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand and Plunket provide symptom checklists and advice on when to seek help. For example, Health New Zealand notes that ongoing feelings of anxiety, inability to cope, and anger can be signs of postnatal depression.
It is a medical condition, not a personal failing.
If You’re Reading This and Nodding Along
Please hear this:
You are not broken.
You are not weak.
You are not a bad mother.
Postpartum depression is an illness — not a personal failure.
Support is available, and you deserve it just as much as your baby does. And if you’re not ready to talk yet, that’s okay too. Just know that you are not alone — and when you are ready, help will be there 💗
Postpartum Depression Support in New Zealand
If you’re in New Zealand and need support, these services are available:
-
Maternal Mental Health Services
Accessed via your GP or midwife — free specialist mental health support during pregnancy and after birth. -
1737 – Need to Talk?
Call or text 1737 (24/7, free)
https://1737.org.nz -
Depression.org.nz
Education, self-help tools, and support for depression and anxiety
https://depression.org.nz -
Plunket Line
Phone 0800 933 922 (24/7)
https://www.plunket.org.nz
If you’re ever in immediate danger, please contact emergency services or your local crisis team right away.
🧠 Sources for Postpartum Depression Symptoms & Information
1. Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand — Postnatal Depression
An overview of postnatal depression, how common it is, and why early help matters.
🔗 https://mentalhealth.org.nz/conditions/condition/postnatal-depression Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand
2. Plunket (NZ) — Postnatal Depression Signs & Support
Explains warning signs of postnatal depression & why it’s important to reach out.
🔗 https://www.plunket.org.nz/being-a-parent/looking-after-you/parent-mental-health/postnatal-depression/ Plunket New Zealand
3. Health New Zealand (Te Whatu Ora) — Postnatal Depression
NZ health info on postnatal depression symptoms and when it may need support.
🔗 https://info.health.nz/health-topics/pregnancy-maternity/postnatal-depression Health New Zealand | Te Whatu Ora
4. Mayoclinic — Postpartum Depression Symptoms
A medically reviewed overview of common signs and symptoms of postpartum depression (global health resource).
🔗 https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617 Mayo Clinic
5. NHS (UK) — Postnatal Depression Symptoms List
A clear symptom list from a trusted health system, useful for educating readers.
🔗 https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/symptoms/