Written by Becca O'Leary - Registered Midwife and the Founder of My Little Kiwi Antenatal
As I write this, I’m lying on the floor opposite my 5-month-old baby. She’s staring up at me with wide blue eyes and a smile that could light up the whole room. I smile back because I love her. I’ve always loved her, even if it didn’t feel that way. The truth is, it took a couple of months for me to really feel that sense of connection and that’s okay. For a while, I felt guilty about it. I had an uneventful pregnancy and a straightforward birth and despite everything going “right” I still struggled. My baby was incredibly unsettled and I found myself in the thick of postnatal depression - something I hadn’t experienced with my first. Thankfully through caring for so many other new mothers I understand how common this experience really is. The bond doesn’t always come instantly. Love doesn’t always arrive in a single, magical moment; sometimes it grows slowly and softly, in between the sleep-deprived nights, the tears (theirs and yours) and the quiet cuddles. And that kind of love is just as powerful, beautiful and just as sacred.
The Myth of Instant Connection
There’s a beautiful but sometimes unrealistic idea floating around that the moment your baby is born, you’ll be instantly flooded with love and connection. And while that can happen for some, for many new parents the reality is a little different. You might feel numb, overwhelmed, detached, or even unsure of what you’re "supposed" to feel. And that’s okay.
After birth, you’re adjusting to a completely new reality. Hormones are shifting, your body is healing, sleep is broken and everything feels unfamiliar. Feeling disconnected doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It simply means you’re human, and you’re navigating a huge transition.
What Causes Delayed Bonding?
There are so many reasons why bonding with your baby might take time:
● A difficult or traumatic birth
● Medical complications for you or your baby
● Being separated from your baby for a period of time
● Feeding challenges or an unsettled baby
● Postnatal anxiety or depression
● Lack of support or overwhelming expectations
Even if your birth was uncomplicated, it’s still normal to feel unsure or disconnected. Love isn’t always instant. Sometimes, it’s a slow unfolding.
How to Build Connection With Your Baby
If that deep emotional bond hasn’t landed yet, there are gentle, simple ways to begin building it day by day:
● Skin-to-skin contact: Holding your baby against your chest calms both your nervous systems and boosts oxytocin, the love and bonding hormone.
● Make eye contact: Babies are wired to connect with faces. Look into their eyes while feeding, changing, or cuddling.
● Talk or sing to your baby: Your voice is familiar and soothing. You don’t need to say anything profound, just let them hear you.
● Try babywearing: Keeping baby close in a carrier can help build that sense of togetherness while giving you your hands back.
● Create small rituals: A song at bedtime, a cuddle after bath time - these repeated moments of connection help your baby feel safe and known.
When Birth Trauma Affects Bonding
Sometimes, a traumatic birth experience creates emotional distance between you and your baby. You may feel grief, guilt, or even resentment - especially if things didn’t go the way you hoped.
Here are some ways to gently support healing:
● Debrief your birth with your midwife or a counsellor
● Write your story in a journal to help process it
● Seek professional support - birth trauma is real and valid
There’s no expiration date on healing. And working through your experience doesn’t just help you,it strengthens your ability to connect with your baby too.
Looking After Your Own Mental Health
It’s hard to bond when you’re not okay. Your emotional wellbeing matters too. If you’re feeling low, anxious, or disconnected, you are not alone.
Here’s how to start taking care of yourself:
● Talk to your midwife or GP about how you’re feeling. Early support makes a huge difference.
● Reach out to a counsellor or therapist trained in postnatal mental health
● Prioritise rest where possible
● Eat well, hydrate, and move gently - the basics really do matter
● Do small things that fill your cup… a walk in nature, gentle movement, music, laughter, time with a friend. These small things reconnect you with you.
And even if the days feel long and blurry, try to capture little memories. Take photos, jot down a few thoughts, or note your baby's milestones. You might not feel fully present in the moment, but when the fog lifts, you’ll be so grateful you have them.
It Takes a Village
They say it takes a village and they’re right. Connection and community are essential for new parents. Whether that’s friends, whānau, support groups, or online communities, reach out. Ask for help. Let others walk alongside you. You were never meant to do this alone and you don’t have to.
Love Grows and So Will Your Bond
Whether your bond arrived in a rush or is still slowly growing, you are doing an incredible job. That love you’re building in quiet, imperfect moments is powerful and real. Love doesn’t always look like butterflies or fireworks. Sometimes, it looks like showing up when you're exhausted, cuddling through the tears, and whispering “I’m here” when you don’t have all the answers. However your journey unfolds, your bond is valid. Your feelings are valid. And your love is enough.
Where to Get Support
If you’re struggling with bonding, your mental health, or simply with the weight of it all, please speak to your midwife or GP about what supports are available near you. There is no shame in asking for support, only strength. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there is help out there that’s gentle, understanding, and made for this exact season of life. Here are some online resources you may find helpful:
● Mothers Matter (https://www.mothersmatter.org.nz) – Support, advocacy, and resources for maternal mental health in NZ
● PADA – Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Aotearoa (https://www.pada.nz) – Information and resources on postnatal anxiety and depression
● Mothers Helpers (https://www.mothershelpers.co.nz) – Mental health support for mothers, including counselling and support groups
● Bellyful (https://www.bellyful.org.nz) – Free meals delivered to families with newborns or who are struggling with illness
● Healing Birth (https://www.healingbirth.co.nz) – Trauma-informed support for processing and healing from difficult birth experiences
● My Birth Story (https://www.mybirthstory.org.nz) – A space to share and read real birth stories, helping parents feel seen, heard, and less alone
Be kind to yourself. You are worthy of support and you are doing better than you think.